There isn’t much I enjoy anymore, if anything at all. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. As my age keeps piling on, it feels like the hours in a day have been ticking on faster and faster.Georg Kevin Paquet, September 22, 2023, at 2:00AM
It is not that life has turned mundane or too routinary for me. Instead, it’s the chaos, and me being in the midst of the storm that is draining away on my life force. Especially in times when I am sick, just like I have been from this Wednesday (September 20) on.
As of writing, and it’s already Sunday, September 24, 2023, I still have raging fever that ranges from 38 to 38.7. And it is in these moments that I feel ever helpless and think of just crawling up in a ball and returning home to Davao, returning home to my cats, and my family.
The reason why I started working was rather simple. I wanted to earn my keep, provide for my loved ones and enjoy life a little. Some wrong financial decisions here and there… and I am living just to get by. I am by no means drowning in debt, but I just get by. I guess that’s what’s being an adult is all about. Getting by.
I thought, the more I would work, the more I would eventually enjoy playing some of the games that I have amassed. But it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Neither am I enjoying any games for whatever reason, nor do I really have the time to play anything for an extended period.
There are just too many games to choose from. Gone are the days where I just had been given one game and I could only play that, over and over again.
I think I need to find a way to simplify things once more.
I want to succeed in the things that I undertake… but do I need to exert that much energy and effort all the time? I want to afford my lifestyle, but does it at value complicating things – and my life – by adding too many choices to it?
One thing that I should probably not lose sight of is the intent of this Cebu journey for me. Whilst I did say that 2023 is to be for family and whatnot, I have journeyed to Cebu in the hopes of finding myself again and put myself in exile away from Davao for the time being. I think I am ready to return home. And returning home is something that I most definitely will in soon time. But from where will I fill the financial hole that leaving Cebu will bring along?
At any rate, it seems like shed more light on the matter at hand. As of the moment, while there is a tug-of-war in my mind going on where to place myself, the likeliest timeframe I end up back down south, if at all, will be in February or March as I have discussed with my mom. After all, if the mothership calls me home, who am I to refuse? Especially given her age and the circumstance of how she asked me back.
Before I lose my train of thought again, I guess I’ll keep it to these initial thoughts.
- I am mildly struggling with my financial upkeep due to various financial responsibilities I have
- I have barely any money saved
- I am nearing a burn out once again
- Being sick makes me miss Davao and realize how much I need my cats around me
- I have too many games to play to a point where I end up playing nothing at all, and if there’s something that I play, I tend to not enjoy it as much as I would hope because of the thought that there’s some other better game to play
Makes sense? If it doesn’t, it’s perfectly fine. It all doesn’t make much sense to me as well.
Rest assured, I guess, over the course of writing this… The solution to my problem is to accept that some change is in order. Whether that be in environment, mindset, or changing some items in my life. We’ll see.
For now, I’m just happy that I am feeling a lot better after battling a 38C and up fever for the last 4-5 days.