Mistaken Identities: Who am I, and what do I want?

Ever since my mother’s asking of me to return to Davao in September of this year… ever since I did as she asked and started working from the city of Davao for a while… Things have been quite shaky and unsatisfying for me.

I am not sure anymore, what I want… or who I am for that matter.

If you would have asked me a couple of months ago prior her asking me to return to Davao, I would say that I am pretty much happy with what I have going at the time. Work was decent and everything else around it seems to be falling into place. Maybe a relationship would have been nice…

And that’s truly where the problem lies.

I am not sure whether I need or want a relationship and what kind of relationship I would allow myself to be in.

Since June, there’s been someone waiting for me to accept them into my lives, but I haven’t quite. Am I afraid that I might break them? Or do I just love the freedom of sorts that I have at the moment? Am I disallowing myself to be bound by a single person anymore?

One way to find out really would be by asking myself what I want. And that’s where the scary truth hits hardest.

I don’t know what I want, be it career wise, be it relationship related, and otherwise. Hello there, midlife crisis. We meet at last.

Midlife Crisis In The Midst Of A Financial Crash

As many of you may already be familiar with, I have departed Cebu at the end of December because the mothership has called me back home to Davao. Now, that opportunity didn’t go as I had initially hoped and I just couldn’t stand to be employed by such an exploitive employer with such meager set of benefits.

At any rate, here I am, having my feet in debt, but not drowning just yet. Quite uncomfortable feeling, but nonetheless, I get by and these have been the most trying times for me to get by. Two months of not seeing any proper salary… It might even take a little while longer before something proper comes along. But at least I am not being a lazy bum anymore and actually work, work.

It’s quite ironic that I have departed Cebu with bit of a debt, but fortunately this will come to pass in May once the loan is paid up. Then, I’m back to my regular bills which should be more manageable. Back to my midlife crisis, however.

I am quite sure what is good for me. But I wonder, why I am hesitant in accepting that goodness in my life? Perhaps, I am just afraid that I will ruin a masterpiece once again, just like the downfall of 2022. Some would be eager to chime in that I am not moved on — but trust me, I am. It is just a problem with myself, really. Maybe, after all that has happened and all that’s been said and done, I feel like I don’t deserve this second chance at life, a good life. I have never been in a worst position financially, emotionally, and perhaps even mentally… but I’ll navigate through this.

One step at a time. And maybe with a hand to hold… only time will tell.





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