Make no mistake. Relationships can and have been a pain in the ass for me. I had my fair share of heartaches and being a jerk in a relationship. But this song really got me thinking.
The way people have been reacting to this song, saddens me to say the least. People seem so entitled and selfish about how much they have contributed to that former flame of theirs. Sure, I may never totally understand what each individual has been through, but I understand what I’ve been through. While it’s easy to cry foul about how we’ve developed a person only to be picked up by someone else… there’s much more to a relationship than just that. To whine about having someone else receive the person that we have helped grow is just selfish and immature. Love isn’t selfish.
It disappoints me to know, that instead of cherishing the role we’ve played in the other person’s growth, we sound like we deserve more credit for where they are in their respective lives. But do we deserve it? Have these former loved ones not contributed to our own growth and development?
Live and let live.
It’s easy to romanticize and dramatize the kind of relationships we’ve had in the past. It’s easy to pass off as foolish how our former partners could let go of the catch that we are. But we are not much better than them. Dare I say, we’re even worse than them.
Sure, many of these people have done us bad. They have hurt us. They have lied. They have cheated, perhaps. But, we are no saints either.
The fact that we speak from a position that our exes or their partners after us need to feel some kind of utang na loob for the person that we have molded is just beyond me. You have contributed to that person, sure. But in that sense, he or she had his or her fair share of influence on you too. There’s no need to ruffle feathers anymore. There’s no point in dramatizing the break up that you’ve experienced not so long ago. It didn’t work out. Both of you did not work out. And dare I say, the sooner the incompatibilities arise, the better, right? You don’t want to wait until you’ve said your vows – or beyond – before these nuances and differences surface.
Their growth is our growth, too.
While many are selfish thinking that we have prepared another man or woman for someone else, he or she has prepared us for our future partners as well. We know better what went wrong, we know better how to handle the next relationship. Hopefully, we have all matured as a lover and most importantly as a person.
Many of my friends know of the experience that I’ve been through. How bad it was. And that’s about it. It wasn’t pleasant, but in hindsight, it wasn’t the end of the world for me either.
I was taught how to be more independent, how to rely less on a single person. I was able to excel in my skills in leadership and mentoring thanks to how my previous partner handled her part of the bargain in the relationship. In the heat of the moment, I definitely would have wanted more understanding, collaboration and perhaps attention even. But looking back, everything turned out just how it should. It’s also quite safe to assume that I have become a better person today, largely due to my former experiences and the contributions of my current partner.
The negatives we see in others, makes us think that we are saints. But, we are not. There is a reason why they behave a certain way. May that be something we’ve done, something they’re trying to get back to us for or something that we’ve failed to do. Even if you say you’re the perfect partner, if you’re not meant to be, you’re not meant to be. And it’s as simple as that, cheating, fighting, and arguments not withstanding.
Don’t take too much credit for their growth, whether with or without you, they would have grown in some way.
And hey, if that previous partner of yours seems as ungrateful and unpleasant as you and many others write about, perhaps you should have left sooner.
PS: I couldn’t care less on an emotional level about my previous partner/s. But in hindsight, I’m simply thankful for what has been and how these relationships have allowed me to grow into the person that I am today. A partner’s lack of support towards your goals and ambitions is no excuse not to continue growing nor does it make you entitled to have expected them to support you because you supported them more, because you gave more of yourself.